Why We Overthink and Why We’re So Hard on Ourselves
If you’ve ever found yourself lying awake at night replaying a conversation, worrying if you said the wrong thing, or mentally drafting tomorrow’s to-do list for the hundredth time, you know what it feels like to be stuck in overthinking. Add in that little inner critic—the voice that tells you you’re not doing enough, that you should have handled things differently, or that you’re somehow “falling short”—and it’s no wonder life can feel overwhelming.
You’re not alone in this. Overthinking and self-criticism are incredibly common, especially among high achievers and deeply empathetic people. Many of my clients come to therapy because they’re exhausted from living in their heads, constantly trying to get it all right but never feeling like they actually are.
So why do we overthink? Why are we so quick to be critical of ourselves when we’d never speak that way to someone we love? And most importantly—how can we begin to soften that cycle so we can feel more grounded, confident, and at peace?
Let’s talk about it.
Overthinking as a Form of Protection
One of the first things I remind my clients is this: overthinking isn’t happening because something is wrong with you. It’s happening because your mind is trying to keep you safe.
When we overthink, we’re often running through scenarios in an attempt to prepare, prevent, or protect ourselves from pain. Maybe you think through every possible outcome of a situation so you won’t be caught off guard. Maybe you rehearse conversations so no one will misunderstand you. Maybe you replay your mistakes endlessly, hoping you’ll learn how not to repeat them.
In a way, overthinking is your nervous system’s way of saying: If I can just stay on top of everything, I won’t get hurt.
The problem? That kind of mental spinning doesn’t actually prevent pain—it usually just creates more anxiety, stress, and exhaustion. Instead of helping us feel prepared, it traps us in loops of “what ifs” and “should haves.”
The Root of Self-Criticism
So where does that harsh inner voice come from? Again, it’s not because you’re broken. It often comes from early experiences.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where love and approval felt tied to achievement.
Maybe you learned that being “the responsible one” or the “helper” kept things stable at home.
Maybe you were praised for being smart, capable, or self-sufficient—but not necessarily for just being you.
Over time, these experiences can create an inner belief: I am only worthy if I perform, succeed, or meet expectations.
That’s where the self-critic comes in. It tries to push you toward those expectations so you’ll feel safe and accepted. It says, Work harder. Be better. Don’t mess this up. Its intentions are protective, but its delivery is harsh.
The Connection Between Overthinking and Self-Criticism
You might notice that overthinking and self-criticism often go hand in hand. Why? Because both are rooted in fear of not being enough.
Overthinking says: If I can anticipate everything, maybe I’ll finally get it right.
Self-criticism says: If I push myself harder, maybe I’ll finally be good enough.
Together, they create a cycle: you overthink, which leads to self-criticism, which leads to even more overthinking. It’s a cycle of exhaustion that can keep you stuck in anxiety, perfectionism, and self-doubt.
Why Awareness Matters
The first step in changing this cycle is simply noticing it. Many people live with overthinking and self-criticism for so long that it feels normal. They don’t realize how much it’s draining them until they pause and pay attention.
Ask yourself:
Do I spend more time in my head than in the present moment?
Do I hold myself to standards I would never expect of anyone else?
Do I struggle to rest because my mind won’t stop racing?
If you answered yes, it’s not a personal failing—it’s a sign that your mind is working overtime to keep you safe, but it may need new tools.
Gentle Ways to Shift the Cycle
Here’s the hopeful part: you don’t have to live stuck in the cycle of overthinking and self-criticism forever. Change takes time, but there are steps you can begin to practice right now.
1. Name the Voice
When your inner critic speaks up, try labeling it: Oh, that’s the part of me that’s afraid of messing up. By naming it, you create some distance. You are not your self-critical thoughts.
2. Ask What It’s Trying to Do for You
Remember—overthinking and self-criticism are often protective. Instead of fighting them, get curious: What is this part of me afraid will happen if I don’t overthink? Sometimes just understanding the intention softens its intensity.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
This doesn’t mean ignoring mistakes or pretending everything is perfect. It means speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend. Try replacing, I can’t believe I messed that up, with, That was tough, but I’m learning and doing my best.
4. Come Back to Your Body
Overthinking pulls you out of the present moment. Simple grounding practices—like taking a slow breath, feeling your feet on the floor, or stepping outside for fresh air—can interrupt the mental loop and remind your body that you’re safe.
5. Set Boundaries with Your Mind
Give yourself permission to set limits. For example: I’ll think about this decision for 15 more minutes, then I’ll put it aside. Or, I’ll journal my worries, then close the notebook. Boundaries can bring relief.
The Role of Therapy
While these practices help, many people find that the cycle of overthinking and self-criticism runs deep. That’s where therapy comes in.
Approaches like Internal Family Systems (IFS) can be especially powerful. IFS helps you understand the different “parts” of yourself—the overthinker, the inner critic, the part that just wants peace. Instead of battling them, you learn to listen, understand, and gently transform them.
Over time, the protective parts can relax, and you can connect more deeply with your core self—the part of you that is calm, confident, and compassionate.
You Are Not Alone
If you’ve been feeling like your brain is constantly on overdrive, or like you can never measure up to your own expectations, I want you to know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone.
So many people carry these patterns quietly, believing they just need to “try harder” or “get over it.” But healing doesn’t come from pushing yourself harder—it comes from understanding yourself with gentleness and compassion.
A Final Word of Encouragement
If you’re caught in the loop of overthinking and self-criticism, remember: these patterns started as ways to protect you. They’re not proof that you’re failing—they’re signs that your system has been working overtime to keep you safe.
You don’t have to live this way forever. With awareness, compassion, and support, you can quiet the inner critic, step out of the mental spin, and begin to live with more ease and self-trust.
And every time you take a small step toward self-kindness—even just pausing to breathe or reminding yourself you’re doing your best—you’re building a new pattern. One that doesn’t demand perfection, but welcomes you exactly as you are.